


don't let me drown in my mind

by kingscrossinseptember



Category: 5 Seconds of Summer (Band)
Genre: :(((, Alternate Universe - College/University, Angst with a Happy Ending, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Executive Dysfunction, Intrusive Thoughts, M/M, Panic Attack, Pre-Slash, Sad Luke, Swearing, and they were suitemates! (oh my god they were suitemates), brief contemplation of self harm but it could be read as really strong intrusive thoughts, i think that's everything? sorry these are in such a weird order lol, sorry i think i'm funny, uhhhh lots of crying? idk if that's something to tag but i will anyway
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-16
Updated: 2021-01-16
Packaged: 2021-03-13 18:40:59
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,093
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28782849
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kingscrossinseptember/pseuds/kingscrossinseptember
Summary: Soon the piece of his mind that could offer any sort of help was blocked out. There was nothing but the raging train of self-hatred and a hum of terror swirling in its wake. Luke could barely tell that he was still crying, could barely tell there was any part of him that wasn’t the sea of thoughts in his head. The only physical sensation that he could focus on was the feeling of immense pressure on his forehead. He wanted out of his brain more than he could ever remember wanting anything.
Relationships: Luke Hemmings/Calum Hood
Comments: 9
Kudos: 31





	don't let me drown in my mind

**Author's Note:**

> I can't believe this is officially my first ever (published) fanfic... oh if only middle-school me could see me now kfjlsdjfklsajlk
> 
> Massive shout-out to [Bella](https://archiveofourown.org/users/bellawritess), without whom this fic would literally not exist. Thank you for getting me into this fandom, as well as for being an amazing roommate, a wonderful friend, and one of the most awesome people I know. <3 Also giant thank you to everyone in The Club for being so incredibly welcoming and lovely to me even though I am extremely new to the fandom and talking to people online. I wouldn't have the courage to post this if y'all hadn't been so nice. :)))
> 
> The title comes from the song [Drown in My Mind](https://open.spotify.com/track/7w0gu9n8vp3sE0xZFCxcFu?si=bxRwVzwWSM-Z4cEgh4maTA) by Story Untold (which doesn't *exactly* match the vibes of the fic but I did loop it an insane amount of times while writing this, so do with that what you will)

Luke stared at the pages spread out across the kitchen floor. All three of his suitemates were out in classes or club meetings for at least another half an hour, so he had decided to try to do his philosophy readings in the little kitchen area in the hopes that it was simply the bad energy radiating off his cluttered desk that was making it impossible for him to focus. But even now, sitting cross-legged on the floor with his back to the stove, he couldn’t get his brain to concentrate on the paper in front of him.

It didn’t help that he had been having this weird, fuzzy feeling in his head all day. It felt as though there was TV static in the space between his scalp and his brain, making his mind feel clouded and full. Luke pressed the heels of his hands against his forehead, desperately trying to push the sensation away.

He knew, however, that wasn’t the real reason he couldn’t get himself to focus on the very simple assignment in front of him. After all, he’d had this exact problem hundreds of times before, most of which hadn’t been accompanied by any TV static. It was just his stupid, broken brain, the source of all his problems.

 _And the reason you’ll never survive in the real world,_ his mind supplied. _How would anyone be able to have a real job if they can’t even handle simple tasks? It isn’t like this is the first thing you haven’t been able to do this week, after all. You haven’t done laundry despite the fact that you’re wearing the last pair of clean pants you own, which has happened way too many times before. And that’s just the most minor thing there is. What about that project that you were supposed to have started two weeks ago that you haven’t even looked at? It’s only a week from the due date. You think that shit slides in a real workplace?_

Luke dug his fingers into his scalp, trying to push the thoughts aside. He just needed to focus on doing the reading. Twelve pages. That’s all he had to get through. He picked up the first page and stared at it. The words swam in front of him, blurred by tears.

 _Like you would read it even if you could see,_ the thoughts continued. _And even if you did it wouldn’t matter since you’re too dumb to understand them. Even if you thought you understood them, you’d probably miss a huge, overarching theme just because it wasn’t spelled out for you. And even if you actually understood it, you’d never be able to articulate it well enough in the class discussion for anyone to get what you really mean._

Luke set down the piece of paper and closed his eyes. The static-y feeling was stronger now, blocking any thoughts with helpful suggestions for redirecting this train of thought from where it was headed.

 _You hate your brain and you have every right to,_ the thoughts continued. They were getting bigger and bigger in his head, taking up almost every inch of available space. _You’re stuck like this for the rest of your life and it’s never going to get any better. And it’s all your fault. No one else is reacting like this, at least no one else who doesn’t have an excuse. You don’t have one because there’s nothing major wrong with you other than yourself. If any other person were living your life they’d be doing excellently._

Tears were streaming freely down Luke’s face now. The thoughts continued building upon each other, getting stronger and stronger by the second. The small, sane part of his head that had yet to get crowded out reminded him that it could be helpful to get up and move to try to get out of this rut, but he didn’t even want to try to make it get better. It wasn’t as if the thoughts weren’t saying anything he didn’t already believe.

Soon the piece of his mind that could offer any sort of help was blocked out. There was nothing but the raging train of self-hatred and a hum of terror swirling in its wake. Luke could barely tell that he was still crying, could barely tell there was any part of him that wasn’t the sea of thoughts in his head. The only physical sensation that he could focus on was the feeling of immense pressure on his forehead. He wanted out of his brain more than he could ever remember wanting anything.

Luke opened his eyes and was greeted by the sight of the linoleum floor right in front of him. A terrible image sliced through the noise like a guillotine, shining and sharp and quick, that it would be so easy for him to slam his head into the floor. Maybe it would shut his brain up for once. He could picture the blood staining the off-white floor as clearly as if it were already there.

His breath was coming in gasps now, his whole body shuddering from the force of them.

 _This is it this is it this is it,_ the background buzz of his brain chanted underneath the screaming bold thoughts and the image replaying in his head. _This is the time we'll finally snap and there's nothing you can do nothing anyone can do this is it you're broken you're broken you're broken._

And there was the cold linoleum right in front of him, practically begging for him to cave. He leaned forward as if pulled by a magnet.

"Shutupshutupshutupshutup," Luke whispered frantically under his breath, squeezing his eyes closed so tight it hurt.

He wrapped his arms around himself and ever so slowly and gently pressed his forehead against the tiled floor. If he didn't have his head up, he reasoned, he couldn't cave and smash it forward full force. The image of what it would be like to do so kept flashing on the inside of his eyelids and no matter how tightly he kept them closed it wouldn't disappear. With a gasp he opened his eyes.

"I hate this so much." The words came out unbidden in a choked sob. Maybe there just wasn't enough space in his mind for them to stay there.

Luke stayed in that position, forehead against the floor, legs crossed, fingers digging into his back, waiting for his breathing to slow and enough space to open up in his brain for him to focus on anything other than the thoughts rushing through his head. He just had to ride this out. He had done it before, way too many times to count, and he was sure he would have to do it again. All he had to do was focus on the fact that this would end. Eventually.

He was just debating whether it was safe enough for him to release his grip on his back to try and wipe some of the tears off his face when he heard the door to his suite swing open. Luke sat up with a jolt. _Fuck_. One of his suitemates must have gotten back from class or wherever they had been, and now they were going to see him like this.

Luke didn’t even have time to try and collect himself before he heard a voice call out, “Hello? Is anyone—oh shit.”

Luke turned his head to his left to see Calum standing in the entry way to the suite, bookbag in hand. Luke purposefully avoided looking at Calum’s face. He didn’t want to see the other guy’s expression.

If he had to pick a suitemate to walk in on him mid breakdown, Calum would be his last pick. Not because he didn’t like him or anything, Calum had always been extremely friendly towards him, he just didn’t know the guy very well. Calum was Michael’s friend from back home, and Luke hadn’t gotten to meet him until the day Michael suggested that the three of them and Ashton, Luke’s roommate from freshman year, get a suite together. Calum was always so busy with soccer practice, classes, and work that Luke rarely saw him except for when they all had suitemate dinners twice a week. All of this meant that while Luke knew a lot about Calum’s eating habits and toothpaste preferences, he wasn’t actually all that close to the guy. Certainly not close enough to let Calum see him when he was at his most vulnerable.

“Luke? What happened to you?” Calum asked, taking a hesitant step forward.

Luke opened his mouth to respond, but no words came to him. His automatic response, ‘I’m fine, it’s nothing, how’re you doing’ probably wasn’t going to work in this situation, especially considering the fact that he was pretty sure his face was completely covered in snot and tears.

“Fuck,” Calum muttered under his breath. He dropped his bookbag and walked over to crouch next to Luke.

Luke blinked at him. The negative thoughts had been mostly shoved to the side when Luke had heard the door open to make room for the rush of panic, but they were still there, rattling around his head, making it hard to concentrate.

“Do you need me to call anyone? Or, I don’t know, get Ashton and Michael so we can go fight someone?” Calum asked him.

Luke choked out a bitter laugh. “Unless you can fight my brain, I think I’m okay.” He sniffled and was suddenly painfully aware of the sheer amount of snot on his face. Luke flushed and pulled the sleeves of his sweatshirt over his hands to wipe it away.

Calum caught Luke’s hand right before it reached his face. “Hang on, you’re going to make your hoodie gross. Let me grab you some tissues.”

Before Luke could protest, Calum was on his feet and speed-walking to the bathroom. Luke leaned his head back against the stove and closed his eyes, feeling the tears welling up again. It was so humiliating to be seen like this. He wished desperately he could make himself feel normal enough to brush everything aside and compose himself before Calum came back, but he was so tired. A tear slipped out and slid down to his jaw.

“Hey,” a voice said softly beside him.

Luke opened his eyes to find that Calum was kneeling beside him and proffering the tissue box from their bathroom. Luke gave him a watery smile and took a tissue. There was no point in trying to blow his nose quietly; Calum probably already thought he was pretty gross for sitting on their kitchen floor with snot all over his face.

When Luke had gotten as much evidence of his crying fit off as possible, Calum cleared his throat awkwardly. “Do you want to talk about it?”

Luke swallowed, trying to force back the tight feeling in his throat. “I don’t know there’s much to talk about.”

Calum didn’t respond, just stayed kneeling there with the tissue box in his left hand. Luke was still too scared to look to see what his expression was like.

“It’s just…” Luke hesitated for a moment, but then the words spilled out unbidden. “I’m so scared of my brain all the time because I have no idea when it’s going to work or not. And I feel tired and worn out every day even though it’s not like I’m doing anything, and I just want out of my head so bad. It’s not just the dysfunction; it’s been so hard to feel happy lately and whenever I am it feels so fleeting and I’m so focused on making it last as long as possible I’m not really in it, you know? I just wish I didn’t feel so broken.”

Luke realized once he had finished speaking that he was crying again. He pressed his lips together to keep a sob from escaping.

To Luke’s surprise, Calum slid forward slightly and put his arms around Luke, gently pulling his suitemate into his chest. At first Luke tensed against the sudden contact, but then he sunk into Calum’s embrace.

“It’s okay,” Calum whispered into Luke’s hair. “You can let it out, I’m right here. It’s going to be okay.”

The sob burst free from Luke’s lips and then he was bawling in earnest. It was different than the crying before, no longer a part of the overwhelming noise but an escape from it. The screaming thoughts began to fade back into the recesses of his brain as he focused on his shuddering breaths and the feeling of Calum’s hands gently rubbing his back.

When his mind finally felt blessedly silent and he could take a breath in without feeling like he was just gearing up for the next sob, Luke slowly pulled his face away from Calum’s chest. He hadn’t even noticed that, as he had cried, he had basically ended up curled in his suitemate’s lap.

Luke slid clumsily off Calum’s legs, trying to fight the blush blooming in his cheeks.

“Are you feeling better?” Calum asked hesitantly.

Luke glanced up at him. Calum’s warm brown eyes met his gaze, his face scrunched up with concern.

“I didn’t make it worse, did I? I wasn’t sure if you wanted me to talk or not, so I figured I better not just in case I said something stupid,” Calum said.

“No, you were good,” Luke said, “although I doubt you would have said something stupid.”

“You’ve clearly never heard me talk.”

Luke rolled his eyes. “I hear you talk at every time we all have dinner and you talk fine.”

“’Talk fine?’ What kind of English major are you?”

They grinned at each other, although Luke could see that Calum was studying his expression, trying to gauge where his head was at.

“Hey, thanks for not freaking out and stuff. And for letting me cry all over you.” Luke glanced down at Calum’s shirt and winced at the giant wet spot that was spread across it. “And for not being super grossed out by having my snot all over your chest.”

Calum looked down. “Oh, this? This is nothing, I babysat for my neighbor’s kids in high school. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve been puked on. A little snot doesn’t even register on my grossness scale.”

“Good to know,” Luke said with a smile.

Their eyes met again and Luke was suddenly hit with how close their faces were. If he were to lean in just a little… Luke flushed and looked down at his lap. Now was not the time to be thinking about something like that. After all, Calum had just watched him cry for at least fifteen minutes; kissing Luke was probably the last thing on his mind.

Calum cleared his throat. “What do you want to do now? Or what do you think will be helpful?”

Luke turned to the abandoned pieces of paper scattered across the kitchen floor. “I really need to read this article for my philosophy class. I just haven’t been able to get myself to focus enough.”

“I could read it to you if you want.”

Luke’s head jerked up. “I can’t ask you to do that, I’m sure you have plenty of work to do.”

“Nothing that won’t wait.” Calum met Luke’s gaze steadily. “Look, would it help you get it done or not?”

Luke hesitated for a moment, then said quietly, “Yes.”

Calum beamed at him. “Awesome. I’ll have you know multiple sources have reported that I’m excellent at reading aloud.”

“What, like your elementary school teachers?”

Ignoring Luke’s dig, Calum swept all the pages towards them into a messy pile. He handed it to Luke.

“Here, put these in order for me.”

As Luke began to shuffle the pieces of paper into place, Calum shifted so that, instead of the awkward half-kneeling, half-sitting position he had been in, he was now sitting with his legs spread out in front of him like a V. He watched Luke for a moment, seeming to turn something over in his mind, and then he leaned over to the boy.

“Is it cool if I move you?”

Luke looked up. “Uh, I guess? I mean, yeah.”

“Okay.” Calum gently took Luke by the shoulders and slid him across the floor until Luke was sitting in between Calum’s legs, his back pressed to Calum’s chest. They were pressed so close together that Luke could feel Calum’s heartbeat. He blushed as Calum wrapped his arms around Luke’s waist and rested his chin on Luke’s shoulder. It all felt so natural, so _right_ that Luke could hardly believe that they had only met a few months ago. Maybe it was just déjà vu, but Luke felt as though he was returning to something from deep in his past.

“Alright, what exactly am I reading here?” Calum asked.

“It’s an essay called ‘The Fixation of Belief’? I haven’t really gotten far enough to know what it’s about.”

“Do you want me to start at the beginning?”

“If that’s alright.”

Calum shifted so that he could look into Luke’s face. “Hey. Stop that.”

Luke laughed nervously. “Stop what?”

“Acting like this is a huge burden for me. I promise you I would tell you if it was, okay? I’m doing this because I want to, not because I feel sorry for you.”

Luke flushed. “I just don’t want you to feel responsible for my mental health now you know what’s going on.”

“I don’t.” When Luke raised his eyebrows, Calum added, “Really.”

Luke chewed on the inside of his cheek. “If you’re sure…”

“Positive.” Calum smiled at him before shifting back to how they had been situated before. “Now, you going to let me read this or what?”

A small smile crept over Luke’s face as he held the paper up so Calum could see it properly. As Calum began to read, Luke felt a strong sense of gratitude bloom in his chest and spread into his ribs. He was so used to hiding whenever he was in pain or upset in fear of how others would react that he had never thought that someone could find him at his lowest and not run for the hills. Not only did Calum stay where he was, he had helped Luke until he felt stable again. While Luke knew all his issues were far from solved, it was nice to know that they weren’t too much for someone else to handle.

**Author's Note:**

> If you made it to the end of this fic you officially own a piece of my heart (no take-backs) <3 Feel free to talk/yell at me on [tumblr](https://igarbagecannoteven.tumblr.com/)


End file.
